Some Serious Stuff
Goodbye To The Belfast Boy
From the Belfast streets came a gangling lad not much but skin and bone
But Ann and Dickie’s eldest son made the beautiful game his own
George had talent in spades, unbelievable skill and a genuine Lion’s heart
With a passion for the game and how aptly named he was the master of his art
CHORUS:-
Now my, my, my
All the crowds from the Kop to the Reebok singing
Bye, bye, bye
Sweet Georgie boy bye-bye
My, my, my
From the Stretford End to the great Toon Army
Bye, bye, bye
Goodbye to the Belfast boy
Not much impressed by the best of the rest, George laid waste to them all
Defences cracked and crumbled with ‘el beetle’ on the ball
To stop him they must break him but GB won’t go down
Soon the balls in the net and it’s Harris and Webb who are littering the ground
CHORUS
Now the brightest stars burn fastest only faint ones linger on -
After ten years of sheer magic George’s playing days were done
And now he’s gone forgive us older folk when we recall -
Not only was George Best he was the bestest of them all
CHORUS
George leaves our world a sadder place but the legend will live on
He tore the beautiful game off the racing page and nailed it on page one
Damn all those who demeaned you
I wish I could have been you
I’m the better to have seen you
Thanks - for the memories
CHORUS X2
Comedy Originals
Mild & Bitter are Fantastic (Lager is Atrocious)
Mild and bitter are fantastic, lager is atrocious
If you drink enough of it you’re sure to wind up stocious
Don’t drive after drinking beer ‘cos that would be felonious
Mild and bitter are fantastic lager is atrocious
Chug diddle idle idle Glug didle – i
Chug diddle idle idle Glug didle – i
My mother was a landlady she ran a pub in Cheam
Al- though this sounds idyllic – things aren’t always what they seem
I was weaned on beer and ale and stout and what more can I say -
It’s ten times bloody better than a pint-of-milk-a-day!
Mild and bitter are fantastic...
Mi’ Grandad had a funny turn and couldn’t find the cure
The doctor came and looked and said he shouldn’t drink no more
When we caught him in the pub again he shouted out with zest,
“I’m not drinking any more - I’m just not drinking any less!”
Mild and bitter are fantastic...
The Doctor said if you don’t stop there’ll be a funeral soon
At mention of these words a hush descended on the room
Now mi’ Grandad is a dad again at nearly ninety three
And the Doctor died at forty five of ale deficiency
Mild and bitter are fantastic...
The lager breweries had a filthy rumour spread about -
“If you drink beer the fire in your boiler will go out”
It will dampen down your ardour - put your love life on the skids
Well tell that to mi’ Grandad and his twenty seven kids
Mild and bitter are fantastic...
The AA have a club they say to help to dry you out
They do vital and important work of that I have no doubt
For membership, sobriety’s a heavy price to pay
When they get up in the morning that’s the best they’ll feel all day
Mild and bitter are fantastic...
I feel sorry for teetotallers and them that’s took the pledge
The very thought of cutting down’s the thin end of the wedge
It may be true that what they’ve never had they’ve never missed
But I may be talking bollocks now – I’m absolutely pished!
Mild and bitter are fantastic, lager is atrocious
If you drink enough of it you’re sure to wind up stocious
Don’t drive after drinking beer ‘cos that would be felonious
Mild and bitter are fantastic la - ger – is - a-
Mild and bitter are fantastic, la - ger – is – a –
Chug diddle idle idle Glug didle – i
Lager is atrocious.
MY FAVOURITE THINGS
King Prawns and fish cakes and baked beans and curries
Bitter and whiskey to cure all your worries
Turkish ke- bab with red onion rings
These are a few of my favourite things
Racing from Fontwell or Cartmell or Soutwell
Our favourite things include backing a double
Whether o’er fences or hurdles or flat
Our bookie will still have the shirt off our backs
Football and rugby and snooker and cricket
They’re all on TV so you don’t need a ticket
The TV’s in the pub it’s a wonderful thing
These are some more of my favourite things
Out- side smoking – must be jokin – what’s that all a- bout?
This atmosphere’s pleasing but we’re bleeding freezing
Each time we go for a snout
Chim chimenee Chim chimenee chim chim cheree
He’s already pissed and he’s only had three
Chim chimenee Chim chimenee chim chim cheroot
I need to throw up so I’m off to the loo
Girls with nice boobs and an arse you could die on
You’ve had a pint so you feel like a try on
She tells you sod off so you call her a ming-er
You go pride intact while she gives you the fing-er
Stood by the bar stood a pissed up yodler…………
Whisky and Vodka, Bacardi and Brandy
White wine or red wine or anything handy
Dark rum or gin or a Singapore sling
These are my favourite favourite things
When the bell rings
And the bars shut
And we’ve missed last shout
We go round mine sweeping our favourite things
And then we all get chucked out
Mild and bitter is fantastic – lager is atrocious
There is Nothing Like a Claim
We got whiplash, we got lesions and a really dodgy back
We got post traumatic stress disorder and a dose of clap
We got real bad halitosis from consuming fast food crap
What ain’t we got – we ain’t got jack!
We get lonely and we long for some money in our wallet
We feel desperate and we might just stick our fingers in a socket
We need a money making ruse to make a tidy stash
We got no dosh – we need some fast
We got nothing to start a libel suit for
We need an accident but nothing too acute for…
There is nothing like a claim
Nothing in the world
Whenever there may be some blame
There ain’t anything like a claim
There is a prime solution. It’s a sure-fire remedy
There’s a pot of money waiting you can pick right off the tree
Choose a quiet moment in a council underpass
Trip up on a broken flag and sue their ass
We de- serve remuneration for their careless negligence
We need proper reparation - we should sue with confidence
They can take us through the paperwork and gather evidence
Our nett result is affluence
We keep one hundred percent of the compensation … don’t we?
On a strictly no win – no fee basis guaranteed – well …mostly!
There is nothing like a claim
Nothing in the world
Whenever there may be some blame
There ain’t anything like a claim
So if you’ve had liposuction and things didn’t go quite right
If that one Beautox injection made you look a proper sight
If you’ve fallen down a manhole in the middle of the night
Take out a claim and the future’s bright
You may call me a social pariah, a leech or a ………..vulture
We’re just doing what anyone with any sense would do in this post-industrial, something for nothing, blame and claim and morally bankrupt ……culture
There is nothing like a claim
Nothing in the world
Whenever there may be some blame
There ain’t anything like a claim
Nothing pays like a claim, or defrays like a claim
Nothing ‘chings’ like a claim or buys bling like a claim
Cure your ills by a claim or pay your bills by a claim
There ain’t a thing that’s wrong with a flat broke gent
That can’t be cured by an accident
And a juicy, heavenly, fiscally guaranteed claim.
Monologues, Poems
& Witty Ditties
Some dogs once held a meeting. They came
from near and far.
Some came by automobile whilst others came by car.
But before into the meeting hall they were allowed to look,
each had to take his bottom off and hang it on a hook.
Just as they all got seated, each mother’s son and sire,
a dirty little mongrel stood up and shouted …FIRE!!
This caused a fearsome panic – they had no time to look,
as each one grabbed, at random, a bottom from a hook.
It made them feel so awkward, and also rather sore
to have to wear a bottom that they’d never worn before.
And that’s the reason why, you see, a dog will leave
a bone
to sniff another’s bottom in the hope to find his own.
Thanks to Syd Robinson
One evening in October, when I was one third
sober
and taking home my load with manly pride
My feet began to stutter so I lay down in the gutter
and a pig came up and lay down by my side.
So we sang – ‘All friends together in every kind
of weather’
till a lady passing by was heard to say,
“You can tell a man who boozes from the company he chooses”
and the pig got up and slowly walked away!
Thanks to Joe Langley
There was a young fellow from Hyde
Who fell in a sh**house and died.
This man had a brother who fell in another
And now they’re interred side by side.
Thanks to Norman Stanley Howard
Here lies the body of poor Les Moore
Shot by a bullet from a 44
No Les no more
On a tombstone in Tombstone, Arizona…
alledgedly!
